Reflect your teenager’s feelings. Echo back to them what you hear them saying and feeling. For example, if your teen is complaining about the amount of homework they have, you could say, “You sound really stressed out and overwhelmed by your responsibilities. ” If that is not how they feel, they’ll usually correct you with their true feeling: “No, I just feel like I never have enough free time. ” Either way, it helps build further understanding for you both. [2] X Research source Ask open-ended questions. Generate more conversation with your teenager by asking questions that don’t require a yes or no answer. You could ask questions like, “How do you think you could solve that problem?” or “How did that make you feel?”[3] X Research source
Keep your cool even if they are telling you about something you disapprove of. For example, if your teenager reveals to you they got a body piercing, don’t say something like, “How on earth could you do something like that?” or “That was a stupid decision!” Losing your temper will shut your child down and make them less likely to communicate with you in the future. Instead, you could say, “If you want to do something like that again in the future, please come talk to me first. ”
You could make some suggestions. For example, “If you feel that angry again, you could try excusing yourself for a few minutes and calming down, instead of hitting your sister. ” Ask your teenager to come up with a few ideas as to how they could deal with this problem next time. Have them think of two or three ways to handle it, and have them share their solutions with you. [5] X Research source
Do not allow them to be verbally abusive to you. Tell them you will talk to them again when they have calmed down. You could say, “I know you are angry at me right now. You are allowed to express your anger, but I will not allow you to swear at me and call me names. We’ll continue this conversation once I know I will not be attacked. ”
It does not make you lose authority if you apologize to your teenager. Rather, it can help foster a more respectful relationship. If your teenager understands that you will actually treat them respectfully and as an “equal,” they will be more likely to give you respect. Apologizing also serves as a role modeling behavior and models accountability for your teenager. [7] X Research source You could say, “I’m sorry that I lost my temper with you yesterday over you not mowing the lawn. I was disappointed that you broke your promise to me, but I shouldn’t have overreacted like that. I hope you can accept my apology. ”
Even though you may think their complaints are silly, especially in comparison to adult concerns, they are very real for your child. Remember that your teenager may be encountering these situations for the first time, and needs non-judgmental help to navigate them successfully. If your teen seems receptive, talk about some of your own experiences as a teenager. It may help your teenager understand that they are not alone in their feelings. For example, if your daughter is distraught after the breakup of a relationship that lasted less than a month, resist the urge to dismiss her sadness with, “Well, you weren’t together very long, so get over it. ” Instead, you could tell her, “I remember how hard it was the first time I got dumped, too. I cried for days. Breakups are always hard, but when you’re younger and don’t have much experience with them, they’re horrible. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. ”
Let them know they can always come to you with a concern, but if they are not comfortable talking to you, encourage them to talk to a trustworthy friend or another valued adult in their lives. [9] X Research source You could say, “I would hope that you always feel comfortable coming to me with any important problems, but I know you may not always want to. I know you are close with your soccer coach. If there’s ever anything you don’t want me to know, but perhaps need an adult’s help, I hope you can talk to her or someone else like her. ” Encourage your teen to take up a hobby that allows them to express themselves creatively, such as music, art, or creative writing. Try not to take away this outlet as punishment later. It could help them rebalance.
Understand that teenagers are naturally emotional, and try not to take their outbursts personally. Try to attend your child’s athletic events or music performances at school. While they may not acknowledge it, it will matter to them that you showed up. Commend your teenager for their grades, part-time job, kindness, or whatever trait they have that makes you proud of them.
Write down a list of what you value most in your family. It could be actions like being generous, showing kindness, living your faith, or being of service to others. Decide which of these values you will demand your teen to uphold, and decide that you will be more flexible about others. For example, you may decide to make “showing kindness” an enforced value, but perhaps could be more flexible on “living your faith,” letting your teen skip religious services now and again. Tell your teen what you expect of them. You could say, “In our house, we value family above everything else. I’m not going to let you off the hook for Sunday dinners with Grandma. I will negotiate with you on other expectations, but not on family activities. ”
Consider giving your teenager more financial responsibility. They may have a part-time job, or perhaps you give them an allotted amount of spending money per week. Teens enjoy being able to manage their own savings, and this is a great time for them to learn about managing money. Don’t interfere if you think they are making a stupid purchase–this is all part of learning about money. [10] X Research source Let your teenager wear what they want, within reason and their school’s dress code in order to let them express themselves.
Calmly approach them and continue the discussion after a while, later in the day, after both of you have had time to calm down. You could say, “Now that we’ve both had a chance to cool off, I want to talk to you about what you did. ”
Be conscious of the importance of your teenager’s social life right now. Allow them time with their friends. Be aware of who they are hanging out with and where, but give them more freedom if you believe they are trustworthy. [12] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
Don’t compare the teen to others. They are likely already doing this all the time to themselves, they don’t need someone else chiming in! Don’t say things like, “I wish you were more like Mary. She gets such good grades!” Instead, you could say something like, “I’d like to see you put more effort in on your math homework. ”
Give your teenager some patience, as you understand that their brain, just like their brain as a baby and toddler, is still learning to regulate behavior. The brain doesn’t finish developing until the early twenties. [15] X Trustworthy Source National Institute of Mental Health Informational website from U. S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness. Go to source
A decrease in school performance. Problems with attention, concentration, or memory. Big changes in appetite, sleeping, or energy levels. Frequent aggressive behavior or lashing out. Crying, anxiety, or feelings of hopelessness. Poor hygiene. Recurrent physical symptoms, such as stomach aches or headaches.
Make note of your child’s suspicious behavior; for example, times they came home smelling like smoke or alcohol, or staying out well past curfew. If you have prescriptions that have potential to be abused, count how many pills you have. Keep track of anything unusual and use this evidence to confront your child. Bring your teen to the doctor and ask the doctor to do a drug screen. Your doctor can ask your child several questions about drug habits, assess their level of risk, and do a urine or blood screen. [17] X Trustworthy Source National Institute on Drug Abuse Agency in the U. S. Department of Health and Human Services devoted to researching drug and drug abuse and educating the public Go to source
Consider family therapy if you see the issues with your teenager to be problems that stem from family dynamic issues. You and your teenager, along with the rest of your family, may learn better ways to communicate with each other, as well as hash out any family concerns with a professional present. [18] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
Teach some calming techniques to your teen, like meditation or yoga, or show them some favorite calming strategies of your own. Talk to them about self-care. Self-care are activities that improve your physical, mental, or spiritual health. These activities are different for different people, but often include activities like exercise, taking time to yourself, or spending time in nature. Help your teenager find nourishing activities that help them feel better. [19] X Research source
