No matter what reason someone gives us for breaking up, we’re always left with questions—“What could I have done differently?” or “Can I still fix this?” It’s perfectly logical for people to be confused about being rejected, especially if they don’t see the rejection coming.
If it helps you, remind yourself of a similar time the friend helped you either through a breakup or maybe the loss of a job. Think objectively about how patient the friend was with you during your more difficult moments.
In general, you should say things that both reassure your friend and acknowledge that his or her feelings are valid. Avoid telling the friend how to feel such as telling them to stay positive, and avoid immediately giving advice unless you are asked for it. [6] X Research source For example, instead of telling a friend to try to be more positive, acknowledge that the situation isn’t fair. [7] X Research source Now is not the time to give your friend advice. Just repeat back what they say to you to show them that you’re listening. Validate their feelings by assuring them that it is okay to feel the way that they do.
Your friend has likely made up his or her mind to contact the person by the time the topic comes up, so you cannot allow yourself to get frustrated if the person doesn’t follow your advice. [9] X Research source A breakup awakens an irrational part of all of us. Forbidding your friend from contacting the ex is like a parent forbidding a teenager from doing something. Your friend may do it just to spite the voice of reason. [10] X Research source
While taking the friend out shopping or to a baseball game occasionally is a good break from the stress of the grieving process, attempting to subject the person constantly to outside stimuli will only prolong the process or possibly even lead the person to repress the emotions he or she needs to work through. [12] X Research source Don’t try to set your friend up on a date or push them out into the dating pool. Finding a new partner right away may not be the answer for them.
This process is likely to continue testing your patience, but you simply cannot force the situation to click. It’ll click when the person is ready for it to.
By offering briefly to take something even so simple and mundane off your friend’s plate, you will help in a way most others won’t even offer. [14] X Research source
These gestures can reestablish a sense of normalcy that helps the friend move on. Remember that getting over someone isn’t a perfectly linear process. Even after resuming fun routines, your friend will still have good and bad days. Resist the urge to push or cajole to get the process back on track. The friend is still seeking a safe, nonjudgmental place in your friendship. [15] X Research source This may be the perfect time for you to try out a new adventure together. Sign up for a new experience, like a hot balloon ride, or leave town for the weekend.
In addition to the risks of dependence, a healthy body will help lead to a healthy mind much more quickly, and no one sleeps, eats, or exercises enough when they party too often.
The person might be exercising more, taking up painting or an instrument, or even doubling down on working toward a promotion. Offer your friend plenty of positive reinforcement for the productive ways in which he or she has managed the situation.
However, discourage your friend from thinking that all women or men are evil or fickle. Not everyone is evil when just one person hurts you.
Try to dissuade the person from jumping into another relationship if it looks that way, but remember to approach it the same way you approached the person trying to contact the ex. In other words, don’t get so invested that you’ll be upset if the person does it anyway, and don’t forbid it so harshly that you tempt them to do it to spite you.
