It may even be a good idea to have the discussion when you are engaging in a mutual activity side-by-side rather than face-on to alleviate some of the tension. Consider bringing up the topic when you are driving or folding laundry. Say, “Baby, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about your family. Sometimes, I feel like they are very judgmental of me, and you don’t seem to have my back. " Also, keep in mind that your partner may need time to process what you have to say, so you might need to break up the discussion into a few conversations over time. Try to be sensitive to your partner’s needs and give them time.
Use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, say something like, “I feel frustrated when we spend time with your family because of the things they say to me. ” Try to keep your tone neutral during this conversation, even if you’re frustrated. Your partner might get defensive if you’re visibly angry. Say something like, “I know you love your mom and she means well, but it really bothers me that she always criticizes the way I’m raising our daughter. I’m starting to dread going to family events because she usually has something negative to say. ”
You could say, “Next time your mom starts telling me how we should raise Olivia differently, can you step in and defend the parenting decisions we’ve made together? Your support would mean so much to me. ” Avoid blaming them for not supporting you in the past. Try to focus on what you need from them moving forward.
Similarly, avoid using “always” and “never” statements. These statements are rarely true, and they often lead to an argument. Remember that your partner loves their family, and it’s natural for them to feel loyal to their family members.
For instance, you and your partner could sit down and evaluate what’s happening and how to approach the situation based on the unique personalities of their family members. Perhaps, your partner knows a way to handle a certain family member that could help in your interactions. They might say, “Aunt Sarah is judgmental of everyone I date. It may be better if we just ignore any comments from her. " You could even try to come up with some dialogue and rehearse what each of you might say in certain situations. This may make it easier for your partner to step in when you need them.
Making occasional eye contact Removing distractions like your cellphone or the television Displaying open body language (e. g. arms and legs at your side and relaxed) Asking questions for clarification (e. g. “Do you mean. . . ?”) Summarizing their point to ensure you understand (e. g. “It sounds like you’re saying. . . “) Waiting until they have finished their message before responding
You might suggest, “Sweetie, I can see you are having trouble standing up to your family. I think it would be helpful if we saw a therapist who can help us figure out how to manage this situation. Does that sound good to you?”
If you feel like the conflict is affecting your relationship, take a moment to remember all the things you appreciate about your partner that have nothing to do with their family. Write these down and read over the list now and then. For example, if you only see your partner’s family on holidays and special occasions, you might not fret so much about any tension because you don’t have to deal with it all that often. "
For instance, one of your boundaries might be that your partner’s family members can’t stay the night when they come to visit. Another boundary might be not allowing the family to factor in on certain couple decisions such as having babies, practicing a certain religion, or deciding where you live.
Make sure your partner’s family knows the reasoning behind your boundaries, too. You or your partner could say something like, “We’re really glad that you care about us, but we’d rather not discuss our finances anymore. Our decisions about money are personal. ”
If your boundaries are violated, you need to reinforce them by saying, “Remember, we decided that we are not having children, Mom/mother-in-law. Can you please support our decision even if you don’t like it?”
Being assertive doesn’t have to mean being disrespectful. You can stand up for yourself while still being respectful and kind. For instance, you can assertively say, “I know you don’t understand my culture, but it’s important for me and Henry to celebrate this holiday. I respect your beliefs, and I’d appreciate it if you did the same for me. "
It’s much better to talk through problems when they happen than to let them go unaddressed for years. Say, “When you talk over me like that Josie, it makes me feel like I don’t have a voice. I’d really appreciate it if you let me finish talking before sharing your opinion. "
If you’re talking to someone older, a good way to handle unsolicited advice is to respond politely with something like, “How interesting!” or “What a neat story!” For instance, if your partner’s mother tells you that you should feed your kids differently, ask her how she fed her children when they were growing up. Other good go-to responses include “That’s interesting, I’ll have to try it sometime” and “Thanks for the advice, but we’ve decided to do it this way. ”
Limiting contact is probably a good idea if your partner’s family is outright abusive or disrespectful to you. People who act like this are unlikely to change their behavior.
