Every discussion doesn’t have to turn into an argument – you get to choose what gets blown up and out of proportion as well. If the advice or controlling doesn’t really affect you, try to politely nod and move on with your life.
Setting boundaries is important when dealing with controlling mothers. If you want privacy in your room, ask for it and stand by your decision. Similarly, you mother should know the times you want to spend alone, such as with friends, and when not to visit.
When you hold on to expectations, you set yourself up for disappointment. If you didn’t expect your mother to magically release her controlling hold on you, her not fulfilling that expectation wouldn’t hurt so bad. By expecting her to change, you are also removing responsibility from yourself. No, you are not responsible for how your mother controlled your life in the past. You are responsible for how you allow her to continue to do this into the future.
The only thing wrong with trying to please everyone is that there’s always at least one person who will remain unhappy: you. Of course, it’s important to respect your mother, and maybe even consider her point-of-view. Plus, bending a little might put you in her good graces. Still, you don’t have to always bend to her way of thinking simply to make her happy or prevent discord in your relationship.
Your mom might think you are incapable of taking on adult responsibilities if you have been requiring extra money from her to make purchases or pay bills. Handling your own expenses will show her that you are a responsible adult who doesn’t need managing. Teens and young adults can demonstrate autonomy by spending more carefully or getting a part-time job to make their own money. Yes, you may still live under your mother’s roof, but you can express disagreement with your mother more easily if you are pulling some of your own weight in the household.
Does you mother call you throughout the day, reminding you to do this or that? Tell her that you will start putting reminders in your phone, and that she no longer needs to do this. Try to limit phone conversation to one per day, with the exception of emergencies. Does your mother frequently drop by your house, or enter your room and go through your things? Sit down with her and tell her how this bothers you and hinders your ability to blossom into a fully functioning adult. Make an agreement for her to limit visitations to certain days of the week. And in the case of living in the same house, she should only enter your room in your presence and after knocking. [2] X Research source
Emotional and psychological distance may consist of sharing less of your personal life with your mother, which gives her little opportunity to interfere. When she inquires about a sensitive subject that you know she will be controlling about, gently tell her you would rather not talk about it. Distance can also be physical such as moving to a new city or coming home to visit her less often. Keep in mind, that this is an extreme mode of action. Family can be one of the biggest support systems you have, so moving away from them can be daunting to both parties. However, if you think it’s the only way to live your life on your own terms, then go for it. As you plan to get distance from your mother, try to include her in the process. Reassure her that you have and will always love her. You will still be her daughter or son. You just need more space to grow into the person you want to be.
Preparing to discuss your mother’s control problem is a smart idea in order to easily present your argument and minimize any unnecessary hurt feelings. Plus, the earlier you confront your mother, the better. Overbearing parents can create trouble in future relationships and be a detriment to your problem-solving abilities. [4] X Research source If you think it will help, practice in the mirror what you think you will say, or have a friend or partner act the scenario out with you.
Suggested locations to have this talk can be at a restaurant over lunch, at a coffee shop, or on a park bench. Avoid talking while driving or over the phone. A face-to-face conversation is a must. Be sure to give your mom a heads up as to why the two of you are meeting. Don’t blindside her with a serious discussion. Let her know that you have some things on your mind you would like to talk to her about.
Say things like, “I feel like you are controlling me when you tell me how to dress or how my hair should look. In the future, could you be more mindful that I have different tastes than you?” instead of “You make me upset when you keep bugging me about my hair or clothing choices. " By using the “I” statement, you are taking ownership for your feelings rather than presenting them as though they are entirely your mother’s fault. [5] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MAMatchmaker, The LA Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. This tactic can make her more empathetic to your situation.
Another tactic to minimize her hurt feelings is by using the “sandwich method”. This is a form of constructive criticism in which a critical statement is sandwiched between two complimentary statements. [6] X Research source One suggestion for an adult with a controlling mother might look like this: “Mom, you have been very helpful with the new baby. But, [spouse] and I feel like you are not respecting our parenting choices. With a few adjustments, I feel like we will all get along really well. "
With important topics such as choosing a college major or taking a job, assert your opinion and remind her that the decision will ultimately affect you the most. Demonstrate confidence in your decisions, and she will respect your voice more. Do your research and provide a list of pros and cons about your choice. Doing so will impress her and show her that you are not making any decisions impulsively, but thinking things over to decide what’s best.
By giving in on some occasions, you are more likely to earn credit with your mother. Therefore, during times when you are firm on your decision, you can subtly remind her that you took her advice on other matters but you really want to be the one who makes the choice on the current one. Your attitude also could make a major difference in how controlling your mom is in your life. Bend a little by expressing your gratitude for thoughtful solutions and suggestions she has given you in the past. This method will demonstrate to your mom that you are at least listening to her point-of-view, even if your final decision is your own and not hers. [9] X Research source
