Say something like, “Chaz, do you have some time to talk today after work?” You can have this conversation over the phone, but in person is best. Try not to discuss it via text.
Instead of saying things like “you always…” or “you never…,” use specific examples. Say something like, “You call me a lot to talk about your problems with Charlotte, and I don’t mind, but you call really late sometimes and want to talk for hours. I have school in the mornings and it really affects me when you do that. ” After telling them the problem, let them know what you’re willing to do. For example, “If you want to talk to me about Charlotte, I’m willing to do that with you before 8pm and only for 30 minutes. ”
Say, “Everytime I try to talk to you about my fights with my mom, you make it about you and your mom instead. I don’t mind listening, but I need to be heard, too. It’s really hard on me not having anyone to talk to. ”
Try repeating back what they’re saying to show that you listened. Say, “So it sounds like you’re saying that none of your other friends will listen, so you call me because you know I will. ”
Say, for example, “I love you and want our friendship to work, but I do need things to change from here on out. ” For instance, your friend might agree to call to check in on you more often or you might decide to see each other twice a week instead of everyday.
For instance, hanging out once or twice a week might work for your schedule, but if they regularly show up at your door unannounced, you should draw the line there. When you say no, you do not owe your friend extra time another day, nor do you owe them an explanation for why you say no.
For instance, you might decide that calling before 10am or after midnight are off limits. Reaffirm those boundaries by not answering messages or texts during “off limit” times. If your friend insists on calling you 3 or more times daily, perhaps you might ask them to cut it down to once. Don’t answer if they call you more than once to show them you are firm about the boundaries.
Is your needy friend into horseback riding just like your co-worker? Connect the two of them so that your friend has a larger system of support.
Take a complete break from each other if you need total distance. Give yourself at least a week or two away from them. Let them know that you are not ending the friendship, but just need some time to yourself.
Progress might be shown through less calls, texts, or demands to hang out constantly. When you see them being less needy, let them know that you really like this independent side of them. If they should cross a boundary, let them know immediately. Say, “Remember we discussed you not calling me after midnight. I was serious about that. In the future, please try to do so. ”
Say something like, “Though I love you and really wanted this friendship to work, I think it’s time that we go our separate ways. I really need more time to myself and I wish you the best. ” If they continue trying to call you, answer the first few times but hold firm to your word. Block them if they don’t stop contacting you.
Talk to them a few times about the issue and then try to move on. Avoid speaking badly about your friend to them or sharing their secrets. If the friendship is taking a big toll on your life, consider seeing a therapist to talk through this issue with.
If your friend wants to hang out, simply tell them all of the things that you have to do that day.
