This may be difficult if you have been taught to be “nice” in a way that is passive, that allows people to “take advantage of you” and tells you that you do not have a right to speak up for yourself. For instance, “Do nice things without expecting anything in return. " While there is a certain basic goodness in being kind to people without expecting to be rewarded every time, that does not mean you should lend money to a person who is irresponsible with money. Women, in particular, are often conditioned to be “nice” and that speaking up for yourself is somehow not being nice. Remember that sometimes you will be taken for granted. For example, parents often feel as though they are taken for granted. Children progress through different stages of maturity, but sometimes what seems like self-centeredness is often a normal and necessary part of their growth. There is a difference between acknowledging your feelings and dwelling on them. Focusing on negative feelings without analyzing them or working to correct them can leave you feeling worse than when you started. [2] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
It’s natural to be angry or hurt, and it can be easy to let those feelings take over. Keep your focus on being constructive, rather than venting your anger on the other person.
Research has shown that “feeling unappreciated” is a common reason why employees leave their jobs. 81% of employees say that they are more motivated at work when their boss acknowledges their work. [5] X Research source Studies have also shown that people who feel lonely are more likely to accept unfair treatment and allow others to take advantage of them. [6] X Research source If you feel taken for granted, it may be because you are afraid refusing a request would result in loneliness. Be careful of “mind reading”, or assuming the motivations of the other person. If you assume you know why a person acts the way they do, you may well guess wrong. This can lead you do make unfair and incorrect assumptions. For example: you may feel taken for granted because you frequently offer rides to a co-worker but they did not return the favor when your car broke down. Without talking to Jenny, you do not really know why. Perhaps she was being a terrible, ungrateful person–or she did not return the favor because she had a dentist appointment that day, or maybe because you did not ask outright, and only dropped vague hints.
Try to think back to when you first started interacting with the other person. What did they do that made you feel appreciated? What is not happening that used to? Have you changed anything about yourself?[8] X Research source If you feel taken for granted at work, it could be because you feel like your effort is going unrewarded (e. g. , you haven’t gotten a raise, you aren’t acknowledged on a project). It could also be because you don’t feel involved in decision-making. [9] X Research source Think about what made you feel appreciated about your job and see whether anything has changed.
In the absence of personality disorders or other issues, people don’t usually set out to treat others badly. [11] X Research source Accusing someone of being a jerk, even if you feel your opinion is justified, is likely to provoke the other person to respond with unproductive anger. When people feel accused, they often “tune out. ” Think about the wants and needs of the other person. Have they changed?[12] X Research source Research has shown that sometimes individuals will use passive “distancing techniques,” such as not returning favors and not reciprocating demonstrations of affection or appreciation, when they are no longer interested in the relationship but don’t know how to leave. [13] X Research source
You say yes to everything another person (or any person) asks of you, even if the request is inappropriate or inconvenient. You are not willing to say no or to ask for a revision of expectations out of fear that the other person will not like you or will find fault with you. You do not express your true feelings, thoughts, or beliefs. You express your opinions, needs, or feelings in an overly apologetic or self-effacing way (e. g. , “If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, would you. . . ” or “It’s only my opinion, but…”). You think that others’ feelings, needs, and thoughts are more important than yours. You put yourself down in front of others (and often, to yourself). You think that you’ll only be liked or loved if you do what other people expect of you.
You believe that it is essential to be loved and approved of by everyone in your life. You consider yourself a “loser,” “worthless,” “useless,” or “stupid” if others do not acknowledge you. You use “should” statements frequently, such as “I should be able to do everything anyone asks of me” or “I should always try to please others. ”
For example, you might believe that you are responsible for everyone’s feelings (an “internal control fallacy”). This is a common source of feeling taken for granted: you worry about hurting others’ feelings by saying ”no,” so you always say “yes” when they make a request. However, you are not doing yourself or the other person any favors if you aren’t honest about your boundaries. [17] X Research source Saying “no” can be healthy and helpful. “Personalization” is another common distortion. When you personalize, you make yourself the cause of something that you aren’t actually responsible for. For example: imagine that your friend has asked you to babysit so they can go to a job interview, but you have an important event of your own at that time that can’t be rescheduled. Personalizing this situation would make you feel responsible for your friend’s situation even though you are not. If you said “yes” even though you really needed to say “no” it might lead to you feeling dissatisfied, because you didn’t respect your own needs. “Catastrophizing” happens when you allow your view of a situation to spiral out of control to the worst possible scenario. For example, you may feel taken for granted because you imagine that if you speak up to your boss, they will fire you and you will end up living in a box. In all likelihood, this won’t happen! One of the self-defeating beliefs that can keep you trapped in a cycle of feeling taken for granted is that you don’t deserve anything different. Believing that others will leave you if you displease them can lead to you keeping people in your life that don’t contribute to your happiness or growth. [18] X Research source
For example, if you feel taken for granted because your children only call you when they need money, think about the way you’d like your interactions to go. Do you want them to call once a week? When they’ve had a good day? Do you want to give them money when they ask for it? Do you give them money because you’re worried they won’t call you at all if you don’t? You need to examine your boundaries so you can communicate them to others.
For example: you often give your romantic partner gifts to express your love for her or him, but they don’t give you gifts in return. You feel unappreciated because you are tying the other person’s love for you to a particular action. However, your partner might care about you but not demonstrate it through the specific action you’re looking for. [19] X Research source Talking with your partner could clear up this misunderstanding. You could also look at how others have handled requests from a particular person. For example, if you feel that your boss is taking you for granted because s/he always gives you the extra weekend work, talk with your co-workers. How have they handled those requests? Have they experienced the negative fallout you expect for yourself? It may be that you’re getting the work piled on because you’re the only person who won’t stand up for yourself.
Communicate your needs openly and honestly. Use “I”-focused statements, such as “I want. . . ” or “I don’t like. . . ”[21] X Research source Don’t over-apologize or demean yourself. It’s fine to say no. You do not have to feel guilty denying a request that you don’t feel you can accommodate.
Being open about your needs may result in some confrontation, but this is not always negative. Research has shown that conflict, when handled productively, can foster the development of skills like compromise, negotiation, and cooperation. Assertiveness training may help you handle conflict better. Assertive communication has been linked to increased self-esteem. [24] X Research source Believing that your own feelings and needs are as important as those of others may enable you to handle a confrontation without feeling defensive or like you need to attack the other person.
Some people are able to make a decision to work through the issues alone, perhaps with the help of a good friend or mentor. Other people find seeing a therapist or counselor is beneficial. Do what feels most comfortable to you.
For example, if a co-worker asks you to bring them coffee whenever you go to Starbucks but never offers to pay, you could remind them about the cost the next time they ask. You don’t have to be insulting or aggressive when you do this; instead, just say something friendly but clear like “Would you like to give me cash to pay for yours, or would you prefer I put both on my debit card and you can buy the next round?”
Stay calm. You might feel resentment, anger or frustration, but it’s important to keep those emotions under control. While there may be plenty of negative emotions within you, focus on presenting a calm front and letting the other person know that you’re not unstable or attacking but that you do mean business. Stick with “I” language. It’s easy to fall into the trap of saying things like “you make me miserable” or “you’re a jerk,” but all that does is make the other person defensive. Instead, stick with explaining how things impact you and start your sentences with such phrases as “I feel”, “I want”, “I need”, “I am going to” and “I am doing this from now on”. [27] X Research source If you’re concerned that enforcing a boundary may seem like you don’t want to help, you can explain the situation. For example, if a coworker asks for your help, you could say something like “I would normally love to help you with that project, but my child’s recital is tonight and I don’t want to miss it. ” You can establish that you care about the other person without always caving to requests. [28] X Research source Don’t reward hostile or manipulative behavior with positive consequences. “Turning the other cheek” when someone abuses you may only encourage them to continue that behavior. Instead, express your dissatisfaction with that behavior. [29] X Research source
For example, if you feel taken for granted because your contributions to a group project haven’t been acknowledged, explain how your boss can remedy the situation. You could say something like “My name was the only one left off of that big project. I felt like my work wasn’t valued when that happened. In the future, I’d like you to credit all the team members. ” Another example: if you feel like your romantic partner is taking your love for granted because he or she doesn’t express feelings clearly, offer some options that would help you feel appreciated. You could say something like “I know you aren’t into flowers and chocolates, but I would like you to occasionally express your feelings for me in a way that feels comfortable for you. Even a simple text during the day would really help me feel more appreciated. ”
For example, if your romantic partner always leaves the dishes and laundry for you to do, begin by making a statement of empathy: “I know that you care about me, but when I always end up doing the dishes and laundry, I feel more like a housekeeper than a romantic partner. I would like you to help me with these chores. We could alternate days, or we could do them together. ”
For example: imagine that you have a friend who often makes plans with you and then cancels at the last minute. You have begun to feel taken for granted because you don’t feel like your friend respects your time. You might say something like the following:[31] X Research source “Sam, I want to talk to you about something that has been bothering me. We often make plans to hang out together and you end up canceling on me at the last minute. I feel frustrated by this because I usually can’t make new plans with such short notice. I feel like you are taking my time for granted because I always agree to hang out with you when you ask. Sometimes I even wonder if you are canceling because you don’t actually want to hang out with me. The next time we make plans together, I would like you to put them in your planner so you don’t double-book that time. If you really have to cancel, I would like you to call me more than a few minutes beforehand. " Another example: “Alex, I need to talk to you about babysitting. You asked me a few days ago if I could babysit your son next week, and I said yes. I agreed because I value your friendship and I want you to know that I’m there for you when you need me. However, I have already babysat for you several times this month, and I’m beginning to feel like I’m always on call. I would like you to ask other people to help out too, instead of always asking me. "
Stand straight and maintain eye contact. Face the person you are speaking to. Speak in a firm, polite voice. You don’t have to shout to make yourself heard. Do not giggle, fidget, or pull funny faces. While these tactics might seem like they would “soften the blow” of your refusal, they can communicate that you don’t mean what you’re saying. [33] X Research source
Avoid coming across as self-righteous when you maintain your boundaries by not over-justifying your actions. Too much explanation or insistence on your own perspective may come across as arrogant, even if you don’t mean it to. [35] X Research source For example, if a neighbor repeatedly comes over to borrow your tools but often doesn’t return them, you don’t have to make a long speech about your personal rights to decline the next time they ask to borrow something. Politely tell the person that you do not want to lend them any more tools until they returns the others they borrowed.
